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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
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Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
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Women should be obscene and not heard.
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here is a link to...one liners...henny youngman and rodney dangerfield
and to...FUNNY COMMEDIANS
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