one liners........henny youngman and rodney dangerfield quotes
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henny youngman
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I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.......
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea....
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading....
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My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.....
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Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week.....
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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months......
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
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A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number...
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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being....
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Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.....
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to....
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A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport....
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A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."
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A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
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I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend......
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I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
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I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.....
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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others....
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I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in....
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.......
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If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?
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Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed....
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The more I think of you the less I think of you....
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rodney dangerfield....
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west ......
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it ......
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.......
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me....
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One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife......
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book....
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. .....
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good......
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.....
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She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.....
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She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.....
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Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife....
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During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel....
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat....
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes....
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window....
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here is a link to....one liners 2...groucho marx
and one to ...FUNNY COMMEDIANS
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